Friday, March 20, 2015

Over or under?

Over or under?

The other day on Facebook, I noticed that some friends of mine were having a lively discussion about an incredibly important topic that affects almost every citizen of this great nation. Since then, I’ve been hearing about it everywhere. As an outspoken journalist type of guy, I feel it is my duty, from time to time, to discuss such hard-hitting, controversial subjects. Here goes ...

This is the question that was posed: How do you hang your toilet paper roll? With the roll unspooling over the top like regular, everyday, normal people or unspooling under, or to the rear of the roll like unstable, possibly psychotic people? Allow me to keep writing and chew up some column inches while you determine my stance on the subject.

I have spent a lot of time since then seated comfortably in my thinking chair, pondering this perplexing problem. So much so, that my wife and daughter have been known to knock on the door yelling some jibberishy nonsense about other people needing to use the bathroom. It’s difficult to figure out the world’s problems when living with such impatient, possibly small-bladdered folks.

During my exhaustive investigative research, which consisted of linking to a couple of Internet articles on the subject, I arrived at the conclusion that I really don’t like to read Internet articles very much. I’m fairly confident that every one of these articles was going to prove that over the top is the proper toilet paper alignment. I’m usually correct on these assumptions.

In a further effort to better understand the situation, I decided to conduct a purely scientific survey. As I was getting my haircut today, I decided to ask the people congregated of their opinion on the subject. There were just two people — the woman who cuts my hair and some other lady.

When I asked, the haircutter said that she had no idea how she hangs the roll. As she went to check, the other woman agreed with me and said definitely over the top. When the barber returned, she informed us that the present roll was in the backwards position. And to think, I trust this lady with my beautiful, flowing hair!

Now the way I see it, the one lady inhales dangerous chemicals all day long while doing permanents and whatever it is that they do over in that pedicure foot bath thingy. Keeping that in mind, I threw out her survey because she obviously wasn’t in a proper state of mind and probably shouldn’t be trusted. Now the other lady, who agrees with me, is obviously coherent and much more able to make a logical decision. Her ballot was counted. That means, in my survey, 100 percent of the non-possibly insane people polled, position their toilet paper in the over the top, or proper, position. Sorry all of you wrong-hanging toilet paper folks, but numbers don’t lie.

I am proud to say I come from a long and noble lineage of over the toppers. For as long as I can remember, that’s the way it has been. I asked my 21 year old how he hangs his toilet paper roll. I became concerned when he said that he’s never really paid attention. He’s just happy when he looks over and sees that there is toilet paper on the roll holder. I thought back to when I was a 21-year-old, bachelor, college student. I know what he’s talking about.

So I guess that the choice is up to you. Do what ever you want. You can go “over the top” which means to over exceed or you can go “from down under” which is synonymous with Australia, a British penal colony. Isn’t it great to live in a land of freedom?

I’m going to have to stop thinking about this for now. The daughter is banging on the door, and it feels like my legs might have fallen asleep. By the way, with an iPad, you can write a column just about anywhere.

You can contact Wallace at You can follow him on his blog at

1 comment:

  1. I've thought about this also, and admittedly I'm an "over the topper", and there is a reason. Being rather analytically inclined (anal by my wife's assessment) my reasoning is simple. It is easier to insure that excess squares of TP are not dispensed. Pulling the TP from the over the top alignment gives you the full view of squares so you can allocate accordingly and consistently. What is the proper number of squares of TP that should be dispensed? I use an easy rule to remember this, of course only half this rule applies to me as a guy. Two squares for One, and Three squares for Two (2 for 1, 3 for 2). So to all you waders of TP, place your rolls to dispense from the top, apply the One and Two rule and you won't have to worry about saving money on TP at Costco or Sam's Club because you won't be using so much.