Friday, November 2, 2012
My fellow Americans ...
As I sat in my chair watching television the other night, I came to the sudden realization there must be some kind of election going on this year. From what I could decipher, it must be happening fairly soon. I guess I kind of forgot about it because I’ve just been so busy. Those “America’s Funniest Home Video” reruns aren’t just going to watch themselves you know.
Flipping through the channels, I was literally told a million times who not to vote for. I don’t remember seeing many commercials where the candidates championed any of the good things that they had actually accomplished but mostly gravitated toward mudslinging about their opponent. It kind of gave me that sick in the pit of my stomach kind of feeling. It just pointed out why many of us are disgusted by politics in this once great land of ours.
Because of this, I am hereby announcing my candidacy for the Presidency of the United States. I realize that it might be a little bit of an uphill battle and that I might be starting a tad late, but it’s apparent to me that America needs me ... and who am I to argue with America.
In launching my campaign, I will probably legally change my name. Not that I don’t like the moniker I’ve been using for the past 46 years, but since I’m starting out at such a late date, I might need something with a little bit more punch and zing to stand out from the crowd. I need something with some previous recognition. Something that people can relate to. After extensive polling, I believe that I have come up with the perfect choice. I’ll let you in on it a little later.
After that is taken care of, I will probably need to come up with some actual policies and beliefs in order to form the working structure for my administration. This is where I’ll differentiate myself from those other guys.
I’m running on a one-term platform. Who needs that crazy job for eight long years? I shouldn’t even need four years to accomplish my goals. I’ll probably get most of it done in the first few days.
Congressional gridlock will become a thing of the past because I will nail shut all the doors at the Capitol until all the little Senators and all the little Representatives get all their little jobs done. Just like in elementary school, you don’t get recess until you get your work done. And I would feed them nothing but baked beans while Congress was in session. A bunch of politicians who are already filled with hot air, sitting in a confined, nailed-up building, eating nothing but baked beans – trust me, from previous personal experience, that should speed things up.
Instead of a State of the Union Address every year, I will just read off a list of people that made me mad in the past 365 days. That would include any politician, Republican or Democrat, senator, representative, governor, lobbyist, road commissioner, or dog catcher who, in my opinion, lied, cheated, did something wrong or stupid, or just cast a goofy glance in my direction. (And Nancy Grace because she’s just so annoying.)
Evidently, from what I can tell from my polling numbers, the economy isn’t in the best of shape. We need to figure out the best way to pay off our debt, and I believe that I have found a way. Anyone who makes more money than me will be considered wealthy and have their tax rates doubled. For everybody else, we’ll just pass a hat around and see what we come up with. Presidential amnesty will be instituted for myself because how could you, the American people, expect me to do a good job of leading this great nation with a 1040EZ hanging over my head? I intend to implement this economic strategy during my inauguration speech.
In my first 100 days in office, I plan on outlawing all campaign financing of any kind. Since I don’t plan on running again, what do I care? I would also outlaw all forms of telemarketing, the phrase “crunching the numbers” and all “Saved By The Bell” reruns. Not necessarily in that order.
As far as my vice president goes, I’ll probably pick one of my buddies from high school. They’ve been known to say some pretty dumb things in the past, and with Joe Biden as a model, it should be a smooth transition. I’ll probably be giving the Fritzer a call later tonight to see if he’s up to the task.
There is only one person that I would want as my Secretary of State – Clint Eastwood. All of our foreign policy talks with troublesome countries like Iran and North Korea would go a lot differently if Clint were in charge. Can you imagine if Iranian leader Mahmoud Ahmadinewhateverhisnameis walked into the negotiation room and Dirty Harry was sitting across the table. We’d probably be back to $2-a-gallon gas in a heartbeat.
These are just a few of the features of my presidency that will bring America back to it’s glory days. I’ll figure out the rest after “The Simpsons” is over. So please, remember to write me in next Tuesday.
I’m Honey Boo Boo Kardashian, and I approve this message.