Olympic Waffling

Dah! Daaaahhh!! Da Da Da Da Daah, Da Da Da Da, Da Da Da, Da Da Daaah!

In case you didn't recognize it, I just performed the theme to the Olympic Games for your musical enjoyment. You're welcome. (If I was out of tune, it's your brain's fault.) It seemed appropriate since, thanks to the fine folks at NBC, I have been hearing that song resounding from my television continuously for the past week.

You see, my wife is a die-hard Olympics fan. She will literally watch every Olympic moment for this two-week period and make me sit through it with her. I'll get to witness every race, dive, jump, kick and score that the 2012 Summer Olympic Games has to offer. Eight to 10 hours after it actually happened.

As the week has progressed, I have collected some random thoughts that have gone through my head, and I'd like to share them with you.

• Does NBC have anybody left back over here in the States, or are they all in London right now? If I were ABC, I'd put shaving cream under all the door knobs while they're gone. I smile just thinking of Hoda Kotb wiping shaving cream off her hands and muttering "... stupid ABC ..." under her breath when she gets back into her office.

• Don't those race walkers look like they have to go to the bathroom really bad?

• I'll bet that Queen Elizabeth could be a mean old lady if she really wanted to. I wouldn't want to get the baseball out of her front yard.

• I've heard that the ancient Greek Olympians competed naked to show off their sculpted, physically-fit bodies. They should re-implement this with the skeet shooting competition.

• What kind of name is "Hoda Kotb?"

• Wouldn't it be funny if Michael Phelps skipped one his old gold medals across the pool like Opie used to do while whistling the theme to the "The Andy Griffith Show?"

• And speaking of Mr. Phelps, I'd like to see him and Ryan Lochte battle it out once and for all, swimming the 100 meter freestyle in a pool filled with lime-green Jell-O. You know, the kind where someone inexplicably adds chopped-up little bits of carrots and celery that you find at family reunions.

• I wonder what they're doing on "American Pickers" right now?

• During the opening ceremonies, after the millionth time singing it, I wonder if Paul McCartney, oops, I mean Sir Paul McCartney, ever regrets having anything to do with "Hey Jude?"

• Have you noticed how one synchronized diver is basically the same height and build as his or her partner? I get the fact that this helps in making them look like mirror images of each other as they twist and turn in their descent into the chlorinated water of the diving pool. Personally, I'd be much more impressed if the two divers didn't look anything alike. If one diver were 7 feet, 2-1/2 inches tall with a pink Mohawk and a farmer's tan, while his diving partner was 4 feet 11 inches, wearing an eye patch, with a beer-belly, a ZZ Top beard and wearing cowboy boots – and they somehow entered the water at the same time with no splash — they should automatically be awarded at least a silver medal.

• How come, in England, they don't run on the other side of the track?

• I wonder what Olga Korbut is up to right now? I'll bet she's watching "American Pickers."

• I imagine that Bob Costas would be horrible to eat breakfast with. He'd be showing off all of his trivial sports knowledge, comparing Jim Thorpe to Bruce Jenner while I'd just be trying to scarf down another waffle. Who needs that? Not me. I have a very delicate system when it comes to waffle-digestion. Also, it looks like he might smell a little funny, but that might just be me.

• Due to my incredible musical talent, if I had received the proper training, and born with girl parts, I undoubtedly would have made an awesome rhythmic gymnast.

• Sometimes my son says silly things. The other day he sounded so foolish when he said, "I'll bet this year's Dream Team could beat Michael Jordan's Dream Team." It's statements like that which make me feel sad for the future of America.

• I sure could go for some waffles right now.

• Why is Al Roker there? I'll bet he'd be a real treat to eat breakfast with too. He'd be all, "You know that you could be skinny like me if you'd stop eating waffles."

• I wonder if we have any waffles?

• Do the table tennis players get offended when they hear the term "ping-pong?" If they're proud of their sport, they do.

• And the possibly the most intriguing question of all, why would anyone, and I mean anyone in their right mind, put carrots and celery in Jell-O?

Well, that's just a partial list of the things I've jotted down for this week. Next week, I'll probably be doing more of the same once the track and field stuff gets going.

I can't wait until the Olympics are finished, and my house can get back to watching my beloved Chicago Cubs once again. I'm getting tired of watching real athletes.